The Breakup

If I’m being entirely honest, it had been a long time coming. The lack of reliability, the constant let downs, poor stamina and just basic incompatibility. Everything was a compromise. Total breakdowns in communication, being left in the lurch over and over again. There’s only so much you can take. Maybe my expectations were too high. But that air of confidence, the arrogance, the lean, smooth body was difficult to resist. It got me every time. People would look on in admiration.

But it can’t all be about looks, and eventually you begin to wonder if there could possibly be more out there. If there was an easier way. I wanted to ease the stress our relationship was causing. I needed to experience something new, something different. It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut and feel like there’s no way out. Trapped. Yet four years in, it’s hard to break free. I felt guilty. But deep down I had to do it. I had to let go and accept that I couldn’t go on with these constant nagging doubts in my head. It’s like a twisted addiction. You know it’s not right, it’s not giving you what you need and what you want, but it’s comfortable, easy, familiar and damn, you look good together. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t just cut off. The ‘what if’s’ were killing me, so I decided the easiest way was to look around and wean myself away slowly. It was tough. The guilt was unbearable, but it was the only way and there were suddenly two in my life.

I have to admit, the new one was bigger, sleeker and darker. I couldn’t help but like it and then I would look back mournfully at what I was leaving behind. Yes we shared good times. The photo’s say it all, but you denied me the ease of sharing them. Yes, we listened to our favourite tunes together, but your lack of storage denied me from expanding my horizons. Yes you look good, but so, so fragile. Every time you fell I thought it was the end. I would watch in horror as you slipped from my grip and dive to check your screen. The wave of relief over me only too apparent. And your neediness was just too much. Having to carry chargers everywhere and feel that grip of panic and sickness when I didn’t have one with me was causing me distress. Hours spent in Starbucks fighting for a socket and drinking sickly coffee, all for the sake of a few precious percent to get me through the day. That sickening feeling when I would check how much power is left at 11am and discover it’s at 33%. Yes 33% from fully charged at 8am. Something had to give and unfortunately it was my phone. Yes, it’s an iPhone. Yes, it’s pretty. Yes, it has a gleaming apple on the back which promises so much. A great life, laughter in the wind, weight loss, success, beauty, eternal youth…maybe I was expecting too much, but at the very least I wanted to be able to make phone calls. Yes, phone calls. Because ultimately iPhone, you are a phone and I want you to enable me to communicate, not leave me crippled with fear that the battery will run down while I am in the middle of Timbuktu clutching my charger and searching out the nearest over-priced coffee establishment so that I can wander in and sniff out the nearest socket to plug the phone into. The stress was making my blood pressure hit critical levels. It was costing me so much money! A bigger bag to accommodate the charger. A spare charger, just in case I left the original charger behind in a shop. The constant search for sockets to plug it into. Spare cash for coffee (and often a snack). Full coverage foundation to cover up the shame of sitting alone waiting for it to charge.  The psychotherapy bills. The anti-anxiety pills. It was getting too much for me to bear. And the worst bit was the time between plugging in the charger and then waiting for it to actually switch on. The waiting and waiting. No sense of urgency. I was a bag of nerves. A different person. Things had to change.

It wasn’t easy leaving it behind but the first opportunity I had, I knew I had to take it. And I did. The Samsung beckoned. That first week I didn’t even open the box. I carried on as normal, aware that I had to make the leap, but not quite brave or ready enough. I could feel the box’s presence. It was there. Sometimes it would sit side by side with the iPhone. You could feel the tension. But I carried on. The second week I decided to actually set it free. I opened the box. Felt it in my hands. Turned it over, sideways, upside down. It looked good. It almost looked like an iPhone, but I had to stop the comparison. I had to get the image out of my head. I couldn’t think about that anymore. I would look it over and then put it away. Like a ritual. The third week I actually managed to turn it on. I pressed down on the button and waited. Gripped with anticipation while the screen lit up and swished into life. I stared at it. Could I really do this? Could I really turn my back on my iPhone? I looked around my room. My Macbook was weeping silent, fat, virtual tears, freezing up now and then due to it’s poor memory. Could I really do this?

Then came the fourth week. I knew I couldn’t carry on like this with two on the go at the same time. It was exhausting. Something had to give. So I picked up my beautiful iPhone and cradled it in my hand. I didn’t know if I could leave it. If I could do it. The panic was sinking in. I called friends for reassurance.

“I don’t know if I can do this. What am I doing? This isn’t right!”

They would calm me down and remind me of everything that had gone on. Yes, yes they were right but this was love. Real love and acceptance of all the flaws that came with it. But it wasn’t good for me. It wasn’t. So I quietly said my goodbyes and transferred everything to my cloud and then ripped out its heart in one swift move.

Finally alone with the Samsung, I felt uneasy. What was I doing? It powered up. What if this was the wrong choice? The doubts were overwhelming. I wanted to cry, vomit, scream, run away, but I had chosen and I had to live with the consequences. After a few moments I could feel the relief. Everything worked. Everything. I didn’t need to update my computer, my itunes, my operating system, my life. It just worked. Easy. Simple. Slick. It worked!! Waves of relief rushed through me. It was a long night getting to know each other. Understanding every nook and cranny that there was to know. But it was worth it. Nothing can beat the feeling of being free.